Unconscious Choices

I had just put the book I was reading down on the table. It was not to my liking as it confused me with its ever-changing people and storylines. The text was built up like a thought that spins so far that you can't trace back to what inspired the thought in the first place, and it hit me that the book might have been written by an unconscious mind?

I glanced around my new living room to find something that could bring my feeling of disappointment to rest. My eyes captured the empty frame on my desk making me jump to my feet to look for my old drawings in the box, which I had packed before leaving Norway for Tanzania.

The drawing that fit my newly purchased frame, of all the drawings I had brought with me, was one of a young black man squatting with his head tucked between his knees. His body language reminded me of someone who had hit rot bottom. I was working with street children at the time I was making this drawing and I guess my unconscious mind reflected some of the young men’s feelings as they were battling through a very dark period in their lives.

I fitted the drawing into the frame and placed it on my desk. The paper of the drawing was old and filthy with splashes of God knows what, but it would do for now I thought looking at it from a distance. I turned around and admired my new living room. It had started to get the homey feeling I was looking for to allow me to enjoy the time I would spend here.

At the far-right corner of the room I had, just the other day, framed a watercolour painting of mine of a young black woman in nude. This painting reminded me of those days I was encouraging young women in brothels in South Sudan to create a better life for themselves. And to the right of this painting, by the staircase, hang a black and white portrait of a young handsome Orthodox priest from Ethiopia, his eyes smiling at the photographer.

A question of why suddenly struck me while staring at the smiling priest. Why did I hang these images on my walls like ghosts from my past lives? Shouldn't I rather hang some colourful, images or something that would make me focus on my bright future and the new country I was living in instead?

These thoughts made me turn around scrutinizing every detail of my living room. Above the sofa I had hanged a nonfigurative acrylic painting in black and white. And by the dining table a constellation of bowls with different pattern in beige and brown. This was when I realized that my consciousness was speaking to me asking me why I had hanged these pieces on my walls. I studied my black and white painting and quickly discovered that for me the painting symbolizes light in darkness. And the bowls? I had to think twice as my thought didn't make sense at first. But I could not help it. Despite their dull colours they remined me of beautiful planets in the sky. And for me stars and planets are symbols of light and hope.

The black and white drawing of the young man reminded me further of the message I had just received from one of the street boys from my past who thanked me for loving him when no one else did. And the nude watercolour painting reminded me of the photo I just received from one of the young women in South Sudan smiling bright as she celebrated her exam result of her first year of studies in the USA.

But what about the photo of the young smiling orthodox priest, why did I hang this image on my wall? I know it must have something to do with my interest in religion’s impact on humanity. However, I did not know why this face had caught my eye to the extent that I would hang this image on my wall. I had to think for a while. Maybe the bright smiling eyes, expressing a loving happy moment without any forms of judgment, reflected my own inner hope for change within our world’s religious leaders.

After a few minutes with my legs resting on my desk I discovered that I had unconsciously surrounded myself with reminders of what I want to focus on in this lifetime. It’s already decades since I discovered that I wanted to become an uplifter of people who are stuck in the basement of their emotions, inspiring them to find sparks of inner light and hope. So why all these gloomy colours, why had I not brought in some happy colours in the room where I was working and needed inspiration?

It was not until now that I discovered the vase with a huge bouquet of bright pink and burgundy bougainvilleas standing next to my computer. My living room was not just black and white, and totally lacking the happy feelings that colours can provide. And I became conscious of why these, dark pieces of art, was hanging on my walls. They were all reminders of the possibilities of a bright future for everyone who would lift their head and allow the stars, a vase of flowers or other beautiful things lit a fire of love, gratitude, and hope in their hearts during the challenging times of darkness.

The point I want to convey by telling this story is that when we become conscious of our unconscious actions, life become much more interesting and meaningful. Still if we know that we did not choose the things we surround us with unconsciously, we have attracted it through our feelings. If we then choose to see what is in front of us from a different angle, we might discover hidden treasures of useful insight.

Looking at this dark, sad drawing of the young man squatting in front of me, I realized that he represents one of my street children who is now a man about to reach the stars of his dreams, building a library for his community and thanking me for loving him when no one else did. My unconsciousness could not have chosen a better reminder of my own purpose and dreams for life by placing this drawing in front of me as I am writing this blog. We all need to endure the dark times of our life to be able to see it transforming to light. This make me believe that my unconsciousness is always there to nudge me towards my dreams by reflecting my feelings back to me. It also gives me the opportunity to look at the things I believe I dislike and see it from a new perspective.

Finally, I see I need to give thanks to the author of the book I was reading. This book gave me the inspiration to unlock my thoughts and become conscious. Turning my attention back to the book on the table I discovered that the cover shows a golden key placed on a dark background surrounded by roses and I remember it was the key and the roses on this cover that inspired me to choose it from all the other books on the shelf. However, at that time I did not know why I felt such an urge to buy it. Maybe one day I will pick up this book again and discover the connection in the storylines that I was not able to find today. And if not, at least this book made me inspired to become a bit more conscious of my own surroundings and who I want to become.

- Nina
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